


all you gotta do is close your eyes

by lee_godhyuck



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 06:03:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19661320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lee_godhyuck/pseuds/lee_godhyuck
Summary: love isn't exactly understood by anyone. it comes in many shapes and forms. its ugly and beautiful, easy and hard to understand. sometimes love disappears and you don't even realize how it truly hurts.





	all you gotta do is close your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> i was listening to post malone's "better now" and verkwan was the first thing i pictured.  
> other songs to listen to just for the mood i was in writing this:  
> rich brian - yellow  
> joji - slow dancing in the dark  
> kali uchis - miami  
> lauryn hill - i used to love him

i miss it. 

the way my heart fluttered at his simple actions, smiling, talking or simply breathing. how our hands intertwined perfectly and radiated such warmth that could ignite a fire in the dead of winter. kisses on different body parts, yet they did the job of making us feel loved and protected. gentle touches in broad daylight, easily displaying our love for one another safely and brightly. night time came and went, only to provide a dark curtain to hide our rough skin creating a different type of heat. a heat reserved for only seungkwan and myself. 

until i broke that vow.

i fornicated with another, sober and fully aware of my doings. 

disgusting really, in how i caved into another because i didn't realize i was slowly falling out of love. she wasn't worth all those secret visits and lies. she could never compare to the boy i thought i would have married. i don't even know why i kept coming back to her, there was nothing reciprocated in terms of feelings, all one sided and not on my part. maybe it's my own tragic flaw, pitying others and having the need to support them somehow. not with seungkwan though, he offered me that service and i thanked him by having some girl bounce on me, on our shared bed. i hate how i can feel her even when i'm thinking about him, it's unfair to the both of them, i am an asshole. it takes two to tango so why are we all swaying in the moonlight on our lonesome? i'm not alright with this feeling, it makes me queasy and the only remedy is boo seungkwan. 

there's no reasoning i can give him so that i am forgiven. i betrayed him for a whole year, i touched another happily and without concern for him and his feelings. i acted on primal instincts and gave into freudian theory. humans were driven by sexual desires and it's disgusting. 

i don't want to be alone. i didn't want to have anyone else on me. i wanted to feel his heartbeat against mine as we melted into soft cushions, caressing and keeping each other safe from the terrors surrounding us.. only i couldn't protect seungkwan from myself. rather, i lulled him into tranquility and he accepted my every breath, in taking them as well. just as he falls asleep to the sweet lullaby of our love, i hit the wrong note. it squeals and penetrates the ears of many. seungkwan's woken up in cold sweat, clutching his hands over his ears as tightly as he possibly can. eyes full of shock from the terrible noise and it's so bad he has to leave the supposed safe space. i continued playing the wretched tune.

its been a bit over two months since seungkwan took his belongings and left our shared apartment. a kind soul really, he left but paid his part of the rent for that month. that stung. he didn't leave in a haste, he slept under the same ceiling as me the night he saw me and her. my fist clench at this memory, seungkwan deserved to punch me but instead he gives me a soft look. 

a stare of betrayal, unwanted feelings, emptiness and tiredness. 

seungkwan simply tells the girl to get out without raising his voice, it shrinks with every syllable. she almost forgets her bra, he stops her to hand it over to her with a lost smile that isn't bright at all. she stutters an apology and leaves as quick as she came. seungkwan approached me and i still didn't say a thing. 

"how long?" he whispers. i couldn't lie to him, "a year." i can see his tears swelling in his eyes but he doesn't dare let them fall in front of me. "why?" and i don't understand why and how he didn't yell at me, "i.. i.. i think i don't love you anymore." "clearly." ouch. he continues, "that's a long time for me to be blind to it. i guess i couldn't expect you to be in my life forever." "seungkwan, can we ta-" i was getting off the bed, his voice stops me. "don't... don't please. i.. can you just help me pack?" the way his voice didn't have any expression and how his eyes looked out to the city view from the window destroyed me. "st-sure." this was the last thing i could grant him. 

it was all backwards, i should have been the one to leave. instead, he makes me breakfast the next morning and stayed long enough to watch me finish off my mug. when i place the mug down he got up. "hansol, i'm sorry i couldn't have been a better lover. i understand why you would have fallen out of love... i.. don't.. don't want to blame you." i hated how calm he was about it. he takes his bag and leaves. never returning to my arms to be held.

i don't see him around campus anymore. he doesn't even talk to our mutual friends anymore. word got out quickly and i don't blame people for looking at me with hatred. boo seungkwan wasn't someone you find everyday and i didn't even let him go, i played him. it was simple, if i didn't want to hurt him i could have told him before the first time, how i didn't feel the same about him anymore. how our relationship was strained and damaging to both of us. instead, i smacked my skin in sinful pleasure against another, that wasn't just it though. i also shared the warmth of my skin with them in the same manner i once did with him. 

and now? i sat on the couch at some party i could care less about. my hand grips the can of beer, the wetness the ice left on it drips down my hand. it's cold against my hand and it slightly burns from the drastic change in temperature. it'll be the first of many tonight. this booming music will eventually give me a headache and i'll leave. that or i'll go home with someone else. yeah, i thought i wouldn't see people after the whole situation but i'm just an animal. girls and boys come talk to me but i don't see their faces or hear their voices. i just feel seungkwan's physical being. it's because he's also at this party, so much for avoiding contact. it'd just be wrong to hook up with someone when he's in the same building. it's unfair. 

i can't help but steal glances over the night. it's true, your exes always look better after they're gone. god, was he glowing tonight even in this horrible lighting. i melted into the couch and became a part of it. people got the clue and left me alone, finally not being bothered. the heat in this place was unbearable, granted it was summer but i didn't want to feel the heat of others. i stepped outside to where i found my own group. seokmin and soonyoung caught me coming closer and left the others. seungkwan's beloved best friends, they hated me with their guts. seungkwan would have most likely told him it's his own fault, that he's perfectly fine. but seungkwan wasn't and isn't the best at concealing his emotions when he accepts them. when i get to the others, it's seungcheol, jihoon and chan, we chat and engage in the typical foolish university party shenanigans. 

it's late and who knows what drink i'm at. all i know is that i'm vibing to whatever song was playing. i didn't realize that she was dancing with me and certainly not my hands naturally feeling her body and pressing her close to me, again. i'm kissing her and it's great, truly. being immersed into one person and forgetting everything else around you. my eyes open and the first thing they fall on is seungkwan's eyes. he's looking straight at me eating the face of the same girl who made him leave. it'd be the obvious to push her off, to stop holding her waist a little too friendly but i don't. seungkwan doesn't stop staring and now i feel a wave of guilt, his expression is the same of that night. 

i was immersed to one person and it's not the girl kissing me. it's seungkwan, a shame that we had to catch the other's eye like this. didn't matter though, the entire room was empty and all i saw was him. he shakes his head and disappears in the crowd of people, gone again, he seems to like doing that to me. the girl is tugging me and i know we're leaving the party for her room, just like the first time. expect seungkwan never noticed originally and i didn't bother looking for him, but now... all i do as i stumble following her out is scan the party for any telltale sign of seungkwan's being. we're almost at the door and i spot him, with mingyu and wonwoo, the couple clearly absorbed in their own world but making room for seungkwan's company. 

i should have treated him better. i could have treated him better. i wanted to treat him better. i needed to treat him better. 

now look, he's a third wheel. whereas, i'm leaving with someone. 

we're not together anymore but it sure does hurt when i see his disappointed figure get smaller. i stare until i don't see the door anymore, i don't see seungkwan anymore. 

it's then i'm reminded, i'm not going home with seungkwan. i don't feel better. i let myself down in all honesty, i promised seungkwan many things but it would never be enough. i should have sworn to myself to fix the lullaby before i hit that ugly note. as i step into the cab with this girl i realize,

i miss him. 

**Author's Note:**

> tbh this was just a way for me to put my own personal thoughts somewhere. i've been on seungkwan's part of the story on a smaller scale but it does hurt when you realize you make excuses for someone you love. yet i've also been on vernon's side (small scale to) and how he feels annoyed about not being yelled at for, is literally me daily.


End file.
